Why does size matter?

Why are women's bodies constantly being measured against pre pubescent girls?  And why doesn't anyone blow the whistle?  LOUD!!!

Who said we are all supposed to be the same?  There are no two snowflakes, stars or flowers alike and that is what makes them all so beautiful.  Homogenizing our bodies to fit into a size 0 dress is unnecessarily painful.  

Surprisingly with all of our progress as women in the women's movement, we are still adhering to an unhealthy vision of beauty.  I am a 6'3" woman who suffered from rejection( due to my unusual stature ) in the two early occupations of my life.  First I was a ballerina and at 5'10" and still growing at 15 years of age I was forced to quit dance.  The corps de ballet needed to be uniform, each dancer had to mirror each other and there was no room for the lone weed who stuck out like a sore thumb.  I got into modeling at the age of 16 thinking that this would be a natural transition from dance.  Well soon enough I grew to be 5'12" as my agents would joke.  I wasn't allowed to admit my true height because models of my time were only supposed to be 5'10".  Verushka, a famous model from the 1960's was the only model that had made it at the statuesque 6'2".  But this was a fluke and only a handful of models who followed in her footsteps were able to work at that height and none of them ever reached her iconic status. 

The fashion trends of women's bodies has become extreme in every aspect.  Now that we have plastic surgery to achieve the unnatural, the sky is the limit as to how far we can go.  Modern science has enabled us to sculpt, suck, inject, nip and tuck the less "perfect" pieces of ourselves.  Like barbie dolls we can transform ourselves to mimic the most esteemed features of our era.  Almost like carbon copies soon we will all lose our unique features and become one and the same.  (At least externally)

It's funny to me to see the waxing and waning perceptions of what's in and what's out.  In the 80's the glamazon models seemed to be forced into extinction with the dawning of Kate Moss.  She has reigned supreme for the past 20 "heroin chic" years.  Although she opened doors for the more petite beauties of our world, she has innocently directed the collective consciousness of the fashion world.
Another beauty Kate Upton has heroically rocked the standard with her voluptuous curves finally awakening the world to once again embrace the full figure of a woman.

I am hopeful and excited for a new acceptance of all the various proportions of women's bodies.
Less homogeny more uniqueness!  It's going to take a village of strong women to literally model self love and acceptance to stop the madness that is reigning and ruling our media.  As a mother of two young women it is my job to accept myself and be a role model for them to see how it's done.  So I don't own a scale, I speak lovingly about myself dropping the inner critic, wear little make up, and am  trying to age naturally rather than obsessing over the wrinkles that naturally occur at the age of 47.
The beauty of growing old is the wisdom that is gained and the loss of caring what people think of you. Not caring wether my jean size is a 28 or a 32, if I am a dress size 8 or 12.  It doesn't matter what the number is, what does  matter is that you are healthy in the mind body and soul.   It's a huge relief!  

phoenix rising

she woke up with questions

for the past few weeks the mode of operating was full systems go

she kept moving forward and was in flow

trusting that things were unfolding as they needed to

there were many parts that needed attention...or not

maybe the trust and detachment needed to kick in again

she felt like she lost touch with her inner pilot light

in the process of change it's difficult to remain on the path of courage, faith and trust

somehow the ego creeps in and has to try and make sense of it all

put it all in a nice perfect package and tie it all in a pretty bow

in an effort to explain the seeming craziness of it all

she realized she wasn't like most of her peers

they craved security and comfort

predictability had become their anchor to a rooted life

why was she such a wanderer?

a seeker of the unknown

she longed for an adventure of not knowing

letting herself be divinely led to the darker corners of the world

the road less travelled

routine had become her unwanted friend

mystery was its replacement

this had become the driving force in her life

she sought out the challenges and welcomed them with open arms

would she regret her choices of letting go of the familiar?

she felt like it would all be good 

the things and people in her life would stay if they were meant to be with her

looking back on her life she had experienced many phoenixes 

and she always grew from those fires

a rebirth always followed giving new life to the overgrown garden

Liberation

listening to myself

is sometimes a very confusing exercise

my busy brain is like a ticker tape

that runs a whole inner dialogue

of shoulds and shouldn'ts

judgements

fears

self loathing

insecurities

for the most part

i am a positive person

but there is a lower level

of shadow that never leaves me

i don't think it ever will

what i have come to understand is 

this is just a part of being human

if i accept these dark feelings 

letting them come almost like

a dinner guest for a limited amount of time

they pass easily 

but if i fight them and deny their existence

they haunt me on an almost obsessive basis

the key to finding inner peace and my true voice

the one that lifts me and encourages me 

to take action towards my dreams 

is to allow the judgements and fears to be as they are

they diminish and hold less weight in my life 

it's like opening a dark closet 

and letting all the skeletons out to come and play

no hiding out

no secrets

no shame

this is true liberation of the soul

Venus

constantly looking for new ways                                                                                                             of viewing the seeming chaos of our world

sometimes the smallest things seem too heavy to hold

we get weighed down by decisions, choices 

unable to take those first few steps 

needed to iniatiate the necessary changes

which are needed in order to grow

trust and faith are the assistants 

we must rely upon on this part of our journey

stillness is also and important component 

because we need to be quiet enough to hear the messages from within 

these intuitive feelings are our guides which lead the way

the Goddesses journey is ruled by Venus

she dances an intricate rythm of love and beauty

never forceful, always receptive 

allowing for all possibilities to reveal themselves

and when the timing feels right 

she takes the leap ready for her journey to unfold

summer solstice

standing still at the highest peak

fully illuminated 

exposed in all my glory

no shadows to seek shelter in 

facing my soul's desires

feeling like a cat bathing in the warm sun

allowing the fiery rays to penetrate

and envelop my skin

feeling aroused by the masculine power

which activates my soul to dance

nourishing my passion

to manifest my truth

i feel the clarity and focus

which i've been dreaming of                                                                        

the wheel turned my dreams into reality

the absolute undeniable truth 

of the sun's magnificent power

reveals my inner most fantasies 

leaving me naked 

ready to take flight

to my soul's destination

home to the new nest which awaits me

ready to pursue the next challenge

i linger awhile before i fully leap

to savor this fruitful moment where

i can look back from where i came

out of the darkness

the seed has germinated and grown sturdy roots

there is a solid foundation of self 

that i can connect with in times of doubt

this is the apex of my journey 

where i am connecting with the sun

storing up its energy 

soaking in the confidence, joy and power

which i will need in the darker days that inevitably come

as this beautiful dance between the sun and the moon 

continues to flow

it is time to be led 

during the summer solstice

by the masculine energy

i know it in my cells to surrender and receive

the nurturing love that is enveloping me 

that desires so much to help me at this point in my journey

i can no longer covet my dreams keeping them anonymous

i am being found

rescued from the shadows of indecision and fear

good bye judge

sitting here

wondering whether 

i'm doing this right

why am i judging myself?

there is no right or wrong

ego needs to shut up

my soul is driving this body

i'm listening to my heart

it's gentler and feels better

i relax when i let go of the fear

and allow my ego to fade into the background

the shadows lift 

and the light shines through my soul

piercing my cold heart

with a new flush of hot blood

waking up my aching bones

lubricating my body

to flex and twist

going where the wind takes me

pulling my hand and leading me 

to a miraculous place of peace within

you are where you need to be

This place where you are right now,

God circled on a map for you.” 

― حافظ

you are where you are 

for a reason

God has placed 

all of the people in your life

to mirror your soul

in order to draw out 

what is within

you can't press the hold button 

and hideout

there's no playing small

forgetting what you are here for

our only work here

is to be our whole selves

don't check out

numb up 

dumb down

letting fear drive you

be still 

wake up 

listen 

see 

the magnificence 

of yourself

be alone 

follow your heart

do the seemingly strange 

unexplainable things

it doesn't matter 

or have to make sense

to anyone

God has gifted you

with the blessings of 

your uniqueness

the only failure 

that can ever be

is if you fail to 

follow your dreams

honoring your soul's purpose

practicing mindfulness aids in staying in the moment

leaving the past where it belongs

behind us

and the future to unfold naturally as it will

we have no control 

and if we let go 

and detach ourselves from the outcome

we save ourselves much unessessary pain

it's important to have goals and aspirations

to plant our seeds of intention 

but then let God and the universe take over

the old aggressive ways of setting goals

and forcing them to manifest 

in a do or die fashion is killing us

we are better off planting our seeds 

and giving it to God to manifest 

if it is in alignment with our soul's purpose

the key to happiness is 

honoring our soul's purpose

the difficulty lies in actually 

loving ourselves enough 

to unravel and get naked

to see ourselves through our own eyes

not anyone else's view of who they think we are 

or what they think we should do

it's being brave enough to stop

and just be for a while

to feel again our authentic selves

perfect souls with distinctive gifts

that when used to their peak potential

are the missing piece to the puzzle of the world

that is our first and foremost responsibility to God/ourselves and mankind

in order to be kind(love) to others we must be kind (love) ourselves

the most impact we can have on our world is to practice loving kindness

to ourselves and subsequently others

through this behavior we will find our God given gifts 

and go forth in the world and practice them

Brigid

Pondering life's mysteries was an activity that Brigid did often.  Her life seemed to be led by some divine power which she could not explain.  She was not a religious woman yet she knew there was a higher power at work weaving together a tapestry of syncronistic miracles. Which upon reflection Brigid realized the divine orchestration of her life. This realization comforted her with a deep sense of trust in the seeming chaos of her life.  Brigid knew that although her daily disappointments and seeming losses were opportunities for her to grow and become more aware of her responsibilities, there was a benevolent intelligence pulling the strings leading her to a greater purpose.  In order for Brigid to truly fulfill her dharma, she was forced to surrender her fears and choose love wherever she went.  There was no room for judgements or attachments to her outcome.  she simply had to let go and let God lead the journey.  Trusting that as long as her intentions were towards the greater good of all, they would become.  

Like a universal heart, Brigid realized that we are all one.  Our impersonal selves all want the same thing in this life; to be understood and loved.  It didn't matter what she did or how successful she was, or what people thought of her.  The truth was finally becoming clear to her that the peripheral accoutrements, possessions, children, husband, house, friends, clothing , car, job.....were irrelevant.
For the first time in a long time, if ever, Brigid felt a sense of true self worth that she was enough.  
And if she continued to follow her heart and allowed herself to be guided by love, she could discover the serenity, balance, peace and love that she spent so many years chasing.  This new found freedom posed a question for Brigid.  "What might I co create?"  Allowing the divine to drive the vehicle and remaining open to the wonders of the endless possibilities opened an amusement park full of magic and miracles beyond her wildest dreams.  "Watch out world!"

Waking up

sitting on a bench overlooking the sea

wondering where I am going

there is a wrestlessness 

inside of me that keeps pulling at me 

to make something happen

Where I am right now in my life

couldn't be all that it's about

there must be a higher purpose

with a deeper meaning 

i find it increasingly difficult

to continue the almost robotic existence

of the day to day rituals

some days i wake up and the littlest things inspire me

from driving down a country road 

witnessing the sea of wildflowers

to the mystery of a boulder plunked down 

perfectly in the center of an old stone entry gate

music uplifts me and takes me away to a higher plane

seeming to erase any worries or anxiety i may be experiencing

noticing the beauty in nature calms my soul

allowing me to let go of the worries of lack

or what my purpose is

am i doing enough?

am i qualified enough?

am i worth it?

who am i?

why am i here?

what's all of this stuff about anyway?

the more i meditate on it 

i realize it's really all just and illusion

this game of judgements of right and wrong

there is no perfect answer

it's all about choices

and the outcome is out of our control

detatch from our attachments to things,

people, friends, children, husbands, wives, family

and allow them all to be

without judgement

and by letting go 

we can experience

great joy and relief

that it isn't our job 

to make it all perfect

as we wish it to be

the goddess of beltane

the sun sinks into crimson 

burning her aching heart

like a Rothko painting 

the ombre bleeds

down to her soul

which is yearning 

for meaning and purpose

but deeper still

love

is she a fool to think

that it's possible to have

passion in her life?

When she was a fair 

maiden celebrating Beltane

she moved like fire dancers

to the beating of her own heart

she flowed instinctually

never questioning herself

never doubting 

she trusted in mother earth's 

lavish bounty

never fearing the end or loss

there seemed to be an endless 

supply of love, passion 

heat

but the darker days of winter 

had derailed her innocence and naiveté

she no longer felt the fire burning within

she lost her way 

as she uncloaked her heavy armor

out of sheer necessity 

because it had proven 

to be impossible to bear

she surrendered her attachments

to her outcome

and this freed her 

to see the beauty that had never left her

she was only asleep

not dead

the depths of the ocean beat at her soul

wave after wave 

renewing her spirit

giving vision to the wild

magical terrain of her beautiful life

the universe drums the rhythm

back into her soul

and she is  born again

ready to take flight

surrendering

accepting that she had no control was not defeat

in fact it was freeing

for so long she tried to make it all look 

presentable and perfect

there was always a laundry list of things that needed 

to be attended to

and if she could cross them all off by the weeks end

she would feel accomplished

but after a while  

she stopped feeling fulfilled

it never felt like she could attain the hapiness 

eventually the work became greater and more arduous 

the stakes became higher and higher

until one day she just snapped

she couldn't keep the plates spinning anymore

the contorting herself inside and out could no longer

support the cause

so she finally let go

of the insane dance 

and stopped fighting against the flow

she ceased trying to control the outcome

little by little she cleared her plate

of the things in her life that were superfluous 

she let go of the vampires who were sucking her energy

she started to breathe again 

which fueled her inner pilot light

she asked herself 

what makes my heart sing?

where is my passion?

through this life audit she was able to 

uncover her truth 

and discover where she had lost her way

a phoenix occured 

forcing everything to die 

in order for the new to grow

by evaluating  her life she was able 

to plant new seeds of intention

to more closely align with her life's purpose

sowing your passion

sometimes we plant seeds half heartedly 

knowing that there is something more 

calling us

but we can't put our finger on it

so we go along sowing 

the ones that seemingly will produce

the guaranteed harvest

funny when the crops 

fail to produce the ripe and hearty bounty

that we expect to reap

deep inside our soul 

after much analysis

we come to the conclusion

that it's impossible to grow

anything that doesn't have 

your 100% belief behind it

guaranteed or not 

thus learning that taking the risk

to go for the lesser known crop

but with all of your passion to nurture it

you will most likely yeild your reward 

the journey

if you look at her life

you can see patterns

it's not one long marathon 

to the finish line

there are many small sprints

on various terains

sometimes it's raining and cold

leaving her drenched and frozen

other times she is running 

through the hot sand 

getting sunburned 

dreaming of an icy glass of lemonade

ready to plunge into the depths of the ocean

while other times she has the warm winds behind her 

and it all seems effortless

although these sprints are vastly different

they share a common thread

the journey

not the destination

it's never really about where she is going

it's how she gets there

did she survive?

or did she give up?

it doesn't matter what she looks like 

or where she ends up

it's all about the endless journey

that she continues to take

and how commited she is 

to staying in the game of life

your soul knows your remedy

sometimes

you aren't meant to get it

just trust 

that there is something 

much more powerful

directing your life

yes i hear the calls

i see the signs

but its easier to stay

in the same 

safe zone

until that starts 

feeling like the 

free fall

the prison sentence

its funny how 

you can't escape 

what you are meant to do

stop listening to everyone 

elses approach to your life

you are the only healer

that can tune into 

your own life

moon dance

my moods shift with the everchanging phases of the moon

like a mirror that reflects my inner feelings revealingmy true self

like a puppeteer pulling strings of my emotions

waxing and waning with the ocean's tides

i feel captive to the higher power of mother nature

surrendering to la luna, the grande dame of this dance

i am able to flow more easily 

with less friction and disappointment

allowing and accepting that this is our universal clock

which when in alignment with her waxing and waning,

i am able to manifest to my truest potential

being more compassionate 

letting myself be guided to flow with the continuous rhythm

which beats like a drum

sometimes it's so soft I cannot hear anything

then it sounds like a whisper

which becomes a strong voice 

that develops into a loud song

which cannont be ignored

Here lies within the sacred gifts of the constant

changing phases of the moon

like clockwork

from the early phases of the new moon 

designs emerge

ideas are uncovered

seeds of intention are planted

then we nurture these ideas and dreams

as the moon grows larger, 

shining more brightly on our ideas

allowing them to come to the full

moon potential of manifestation

and so this is the beautiful dance of the moon 

which is constantly inviting us 

to syncronize with her rhythm

aligning ourselves with the divine goddess

the fog lay there like a blanket of despair

which end is up?

I can't see through the layers of confusion

what does my heart desire?

Im scared

I am at a crossroads

where does my heart want to lead me ?

One road is the logical choice, 

the way to supporting my family

paying the bills; the conventional, traditional way

A part of me feels like it dies when I go forward on that path

it doesn't feel like my soul's purpose

there isn't as much time anymore to waste

I am being pulled to a higher calling 

which is risky and unplotted

seemingly foolish to the outside world

am I a dreamer? or am I finally being true to my self

and honoring my truth?

selfish I may seem, a fool to others 

but to take the safe road is too confined

I feel stuck and rigid

my breath leaves me and fear sets in

the seemingly safer choice 

becomes a form of death sentence

leaving the less known risky road 

                                                                                                                                    the path to freedom and enlightenment        

Motherhood

Being your guide 

has been an honor

and a challenge

from the moment you came from me

there was a story

not mine

but yours

this is the sobering realization of mothering

it's not about me and my projections

of how I see it all unfolding

I am only a conduit

which brought you 

to human form

yes we look alike

dna has a certain inevitable role to play

and yes I identify with your soul

and your struggles

sensitivity is on the highest decibel

in our wiring

we feel the energy

around us like sponges in an ocean

or moths to a flame

but this is where 

our similarities end 

where I am me

and you are 

uniquely you

this realization of separatness 

is an awesome opportunity 

for growth

to bring me closer to my soul's truth 

and you to yours

we teach one another

through our experiences

when I let go and allow

your truth to unfold

releasing my attachments 

to the outcome

there remains a space

for freedom

sometimes you will take 

the path that seems 

illogical to me

I project my own fears 

onto you and your outcome

my ego takes over and 

tries to convince you 

to take the clearer path

the one with the cozy bed

for you to rest your body on

and the comfortable journey

without the heartache

and the lonely nights

but when I revisit my own choices 

and the many bumpy roads that 

I chose to take

I realize that the lonely times

and awkward moments, 

broken dreams and heartaches

were exactly perfect 

for my illumination

I was the only designer of my life 

that could make the choices to become the 

highest self I could be

with this awareness of my own journey

I am able to find it in my 

heart and soul

to trust

and let go of the reigns of your life

enabling you to

blaze the trails

home

to your beautiful

soul

Remaining Open

Even in the darkness of fear

remain open

trust that the light of day will 

once again shine on your soul

when someone offends you 

try not to close yourself off

from the lesson

don't let your ego 

convince you that 

its better to be in isolation

stay soft, vulnerable 

allow the pain to hurt 

face your fears 

and when you do 

they will pass 

and the warmth of your open heart

will melt away the pain

snowbirds

you came to escape the brutal winter

and the warm sun wrapped her loving arms around you

doing crosswords, puzzles, reading kindles

cocktails at 5 

dinner at 6

i will miss you and these days of connection

the rain has come after what seems an eternity of drought

it's time for you to leave and go back to the thaw of winter

i feel your sadness and pain

i wish i could let you stay and live out your days in peace

with the promise of sunny days and the beauty of our garden

it saddens me to know that you are frightened of your future

you have made choices that i cannot change 

there are unanswered questions that i have 

but am too afraid to ask

for fear of making you uncomfortable

not wanting to stress you

but wishing i could bring closure 

to the pain

sometimes it isn't the right time

and it's easier to let things go

forgive the past and never look back