anger leads to forgiveness

you stung me like a hornet

out of the blue

not warning

it paralyzed me

but quickly the venom spread 

to my heart

triggering my voice to rage

i became a wild animal

in fight or flight 

simultaneously choosing both

losing my grace

lowering myself to your level

filling my soul with regret

replaying the whole ugly episode

over and over again 

until i wanted to vomit

the dark knight of rage 

kidnapped me 

running so far away 

from my beautiful life

all i could see was your face

and how much i hurt

time passed 

and i kept running into you

unable to erase the past

impossible to move forward 

needing to find my way to forgiveness

god gave me many opportunities 

but i couldn't do it

until one day enough 

time had passed and my heart softened

your sting was a distant memory

and my soul needed to release your grief

i had to let you go 

get off of my pedestal and forgive

not that your actions were right

but it was time to move forward

and start anew

knowing our limits

respecting the boundaries 

i saw you walking towards me

in the blazing sunshine 

coming around the street corner

nothing to shield me

nowhere to hide

just me and you

face to face

two little girls

vulnerable

loving

and  

sorry

Full Circle from super Woman to slacker Mom and I like it that way

the floodgates are open

no stopping the waters now

can't shut the door 

the light is blindingly bright

and the path is in front of me calling my name

who am i going to find along the way?

who will disappear?

will i lose the ones i used to hold so dear?

my friends are changing

i no longer need the group insurance

i am a free spirit that craves learning

and new discoveries

i feel like i know a secret 

and want to share it with everyone

i'm an open book

nothing to hide from

no shame or regrets

i've forgiven myself for any past embarrassments

loving myself through the pain

because all of the stories of my past 

are just that

they've carved me into a beautiful sculpture

full of wisdom, craving to share 

needing to help and inspire

there is a method to the madness

the pain and struggles we endure

are what make us the warriors that we need to be

this world is spinning faster and faster

the "advancements" we have made

have robbed our human souls of the nurturing that 

we require to be healthy functioning people

it's too easy to get caught up in the performances

and lose the practice

order the food instead of growing it

pay for the nannies to raise your children

instead of parenting

i am guilty of that 

i made these choices

i was scared to be their sole caretaker

what if i did it all wrong?

my husband travelled all the time

it was so lonely and daunting to raise 

three little ones on my own

with no extended family to help take the burden off of me 

this leads me to  finally forgiving myself for feeling inadequate

the way our world exists today is completely unnatural 

it takes a village to raise a family and just because i have a street called Coast Village Road

in my tiny town of 10 thousand people, doesn't mean that i really have a village to help me 

i find that although people say they can help you if you need, they too are so busy with their lives

and over scheduled families that they are incapable of coming to my last minute needs                     however sincere their offers were

instead of watching all the power moms who joined the PTA and make it to all the fundraisers in town

and feeling like the slacker mom who has something wrong with her because i can't "do it all"

i now realize that that is not natural and is unhealthy for myself and my family

we need to slow down and talk around our dinner table while eating a home cooked meal

this might sound old fashioned but i am coming full circle to the fact that someone has 

to ground us and slow us down to stop and smell the roses

be bored, so bored that you create something magical

maybe learn how to cook a dinner with your mom

set the table 

clean out your closets

shine your shoes

fix your broken things

snuggle with your dog

read a book

take a nap without feeling like there is something wrong with you

or just stare into space 

turn the radio on and just sing and dance

look like an absolute freak and be silly in front of your kids

they will laugh and love it!

thanks for reading

Peace and if you need anything, like a home cooked meal

or a hug

or a child to be cared for while you take a nap

i'm here

Perfection Rejection

i'm feeling like a spectator

watching my life on a movie screen

wishing that the main character

would finally open up 

and make a difference

reach out and say i love you

open up the wounds

and show her flaws

 finally revealing the authentic

beauty that resides within

hiding for fear of criticism 

or even worse, failure

why do i feel like i can't make a mistake?

where did this feeling of perfection come from?

who expected this from me that created this paralyzing judgement?

when did it start? how did i learn this?

was i born with this affliction?

today i vow to be honest

take a risk and open up myself

to the world hoping that by sharing 

my fears and worries

that i might touch someone else's 

heart and soul 

encouraging them to try,

dream, love, hope, heal

i end the legacy of pain and suffering in solitude

i'm far from perfection

every day i fail at something 

but the world doesn't stop 

i'm still breathing 

with the opportunity 

to try again and hopefully get to where i need to go

and along the way i will have helped a few others 

to be true to themselves and encourage them 

to find the beauty and uniqueness

that makes them shine