lost my way

i lost my way

forgot to trust and listen to my voices

too many choices

people to please

feel drained

giving in to others desires

disregarding my own

sometimes the fight doesn't seem worth it

so i concede 

i lost my way

forgot to trust and listen to my voices

too many choices

easier to say yes than to disappoint

at first it seems to work

they are so happy 

but later i am full of regret and resentment

angry at myself for giving in

when i knew my heart wasn't in it

i lost my way

forgot to trust and listen to my voices

too many choices

and so life goes on

lessons are learned 

i am human

i will get back on that train to my inner knowingness

and remember next time to follow my heart

not sacrifice my own happiness 

to make others happy

i lost my way

forgot to trust and listen to my voices

too many choices

open secret

working through my barriers

feeling the pain that tries to hold me down

accepting the discomfort

trusting the impermanence

knowing there are frontiers that i haven't yet seen

wondering where they will take me

visualizing love and ease

laughter and tears

my heart expands to encompass my enemies

we are all one

holding an open secret of inadequacies

trying to protect our egos from being busted

risking the truth 

exposing my belly

to the world of judgement 

letting go of the fear 

releasing the need to protect

accepting the awkwardness

changing and metamorphosing 

into a free soul

ready to explore 

the unknown territory 

which lies ahead

Sophie Isadora

sophie isadora haber

our first born

the pioneer trailblazer

indigo girl

dreamer

dancing to your own beat

determined

brave

full of thoughts

imaginative

creative

funny 

wise beyond your years

intuitive

fiercely protective of your heart

you walk with the wolves

and dance with the stars

you swim with the dolphins

and dream with the gypsies

your soul has lived a million years 

inspiring us with your eyes

that capture truth 

you are sixteen today

on the precipice of being a woman

here i sit in awe of your past 

and in wonderment of your future

god bless you always

Ruby

Ruby

Tuesday

Ruby 

Love

she was born in the evening

after a day of shopping at Tiffany's 

eating at Barney's Green Grass

on a warm October day

in California

9lbs 2 oz

she was pink 

and cherubic

followed her sister

into this world

we thought about 

having her

and there she was

ready to rock n roll

make her mark

no hesitation

pure participation

no inhibitions

complete joy

trust in her parents

and the universe

Ruby 

Tuesday 

Ruby 

Love

Middle child

became a big sister

to her little brother

who is the mother?

problem solver

practical

logical

giver

teacher

truth seeker

dances to her own drum

doesn't follow anyone

goofy

funny

always sunny

free spirit

path maker

peace keeper

Ruby

Tuesday

Ruby 

Love

thank you 

for teaching me

how to be

allowing me 

to make mistakes

catching me when i fail

to be the mom that u need

you have forgiven me 

unconditionally

helped me to let go 

of my perfectionistic behavior

pushing me out of my comfort zone

into a new way of being

carefree, playful and free

Ruby 

Tuesday

Ruby 

Love

your future looks bright

who will you be?

a teacher, a dancer, a mother, a CEO?

i don't know 

we'll have to wait and see

that is a mystery

but i do know you will make history 

and this world is a better place 

because you are here 

peace is possible

floating along

a lone leaf

twirling in slow motion

shimmering in the sunlight

free

to travel to faraway lands

limitless

unbound by time

religion

law

cultures

a voyeur

drifting

landing for a short time

until it is lifted and carried away

to another destination

keeping with it

a story to tell

a secret to share

a message of peace

that is possible

if we could be flexible

and detached from the outcome

trusting in the universal message 

that we are all one

our differences are planned

imperative

necessary

an integral part of the plan

of undefinable beauty

endless species 

no two are alike

that is the magic

and the key 

to understanding 

gods message

of acceptance

and love

even through pain

anger and defeat

we have a choice

to learn the lesson

and see our journey

forgiving ourselves

and others

knowing that the human

experience is an exercise

of patience, forgiveness, love

humility, compassion, acceptance

if we could all lose the ego

peace will prevail

seeds of change

i'm holding the tiniest seeds in my hand

visualizing growth and beauty

trusting that the soil is rich enough

trying to plant them far enough apart 

not too deep but protected 

patience is paramount

there is no guarantee of fulfillment

just the day to day devotion

nurturing with water and sunshine

dutifully attentive

a day at a time

with the hopes of some day 

a harvest

transformation

my skin has shed

the shell is gone

nowhere to hide

raw

pores wide open

to feel

the beauty

the fear

the sadness

the loneliness

the inadequacies

the awkwardness

accepting who i am

nurturing my weaknesses

exposing myself to the unknown

hoping to cross the boundaries

from safety to ecstasy

trusting the plan

being the student

who in turn

will someday

teach

the glass is half empty

its a gray day
the sun is hidden
my head is splitting open
my heart is so lonely
the tears could flood the desert
where is my god
my lover's fear has bullied me
reminding me i am alone
trapped by others feelings
dependent upon their happiness
unable to connect to my own
the boundaries are indiscernible
who am i? 
what will make me satisfied?
they tell me nothing will bring me peace
i have to find it within
some days are easy
it all flows
my children win their battles
the sun shines
my lover laughs and holds me
i believe the world is my oyster
there are endless possibilities 
calling my name
inspiring me to pursue the 
seemingly impossible
i radiate love and compassion
not so for today
i feel defeated
weak
sad
lonely
out of control
hopeless
want to pull up the covers and hide
let someone else do it all
give up my worries 
be an innocent child again
with my blank palette
ready to paint my destiny
with rainbow light
deep blue oceans
shimmering stars 
jumping fish
swaying trees
overgrown gardens
warm breezes
visualizing peace
love
happiness 
fulfillment
when the glass is overflowing

alone but not lonely

here i sit on a saturday night

alone in my shell

my love is away

we've been through this so many times

it never gets easier

but i feel different than before

content to be alone

not needing to distract

wanting to be present

feeling my heart

it is so full

overflowing with a pull

i can't explain

there is some pain

but it is okay 

to let the tears flow

because i know 

i am loved

we've grown so much

i am full of gratitude 

thinking of all we have together

God is so good

we are living our dream

sometimes it's a nightmare

but we have the strength

to survive it all

together 

even when we are apart

good night my love

i miss you 

centering

finding the calm within the storm
going slowly into the deep
craving the quiet
yearning for cool darkness
facing my fears
embracing my weakness
loving my flaws
tuning out the noise
inhaling love
exhaling insecurity
choosing my peace
amidst the chaos
blurring my vision
out of focus
nothing makes sense
laughing so hard
i can't cry
smiling softens my heart
accepting age
surrendering myself
letting go of control
trusting God's plan
listening to my heart
flowing with the vibration
of the musical melodies
singing praises
thankful for the beauty
that surrounds me
loving mother nature
it is the only sure thing
that we know
the sun, moon, stars, ocean
birds, trees
awakening to the brightest light
warming my soul

friends

born into family

instant friends

you fight and disagree 

but they are always there

you can't run away 

or switch off the light

growing up moving away 

from our family

choosing friends as our family

feeling good and safe

supported by like minded souls

or so you thought

the boundaries are fuzzy

and the tools that you learned

as a child to resolve conflict

are not the same as theirs

friends grew up differently

with their own families ways

having children of our own 

stir up the old feelings and provide

a new way to communicate

the old blurried limits dissolve

strong, clear boundaries appear:

friends love

friends forgive

friends admit when they are wrong

friends apologize

friends have compassion

friends keep secrets

friends make you laugh

friends are humble

I am growing up and realizing 

who my real friends are

the ones that stick around

when your boat is sinking 

throw you and oar

and jump in to help you navigate

thank you to my friends

some of you are new 

and some of you i have known forever

but all of you are appreciated 

shaking it up

i've been turned upside down, shaken up and dropped

just before reaching the ground some angels swooped down and caught me

i feel like i died and have been through the worst

the other side is beautiful

the other side is clear and simple

i've been turned upside down, shaken up and dropped

just before crashing to my death i was saved

the angels reached out their arms and held me

the other side is beautiful

the other side is bright and full of hope

i've been turned upside down, shaken up and dropped

just before losing it all  my faith saved me

i trusted and believed in a better life

the other side is free

the other side is peaceful

thank you 

thank you 

thank you 

i am a new

i am a new

i am a new

anger leads to forgiveness

you stung me like a hornet

out of the blue

not warning

it paralyzed me

but quickly the venom spread 

to my heart

triggering my voice to rage

i became a wild animal

in fight or flight 

simultaneously choosing both

losing my grace

lowering myself to your level

filling my soul with regret

replaying the whole ugly episode

over and over again 

until i wanted to vomit

the dark knight of rage 

kidnapped me 

running so far away 

from my beautiful life

all i could see was your face

and how much i hurt

time passed 

and i kept running into you

unable to erase the past

impossible to move forward 

needing to find my way to forgiveness

god gave me many opportunities 

but i couldn't do it

until one day enough 

time had passed and my heart softened

your sting was a distant memory

and my soul needed to release your grief

i had to let you go 

get off of my pedestal and forgive

not that your actions were right

but it was time to move forward

and start anew

knowing our limits

respecting the boundaries 

i saw you walking towards me

in the blazing sunshine 

coming around the street corner

nothing to shield me

nowhere to hide

just me and you

face to face

two little girls

vulnerable

loving

and  

sorry

Full Circle from super Woman to slacker Mom and I like it that way

the floodgates are open

no stopping the waters now

can't shut the door 

the light is blindingly bright

and the path is in front of me calling my name

who am i going to find along the way?

who will disappear?

will i lose the ones i used to hold so dear?

my friends are changing

i no longer need the group insurance

i am a free spirit that craves learning

and new discoveries

i feel like i know a secret 

and want to share it with everyone

i'm an open book

nothing to hide from

no shame or regrets

i've forgiven myself for any past embarrassments

loving myself through the pain

because all of the stories of my past 

are just that

they've carved me into a beautiful sculpture

full of wisdom, craving to share 

needing to help and inspire

there is a method to the madness

the pain and struggles we endure

are what make us the warriors that we need to be

this world is spinning faster and faster

the "advancements" we have made

have robbed our human souls of the nurturing that 

we require to be healthy functioning people

it's too easy to get caught up in the performances

and lose the practice

order the food instead of growing it

pay for the nannies to raise your children

instead of parenting

i am guilty of that 

i made these choices

i was scared to be their sole caretaker

what if i did it all wrong?

my husband travelled all the time

it was so lonely and daunting to raise 

three little ones on my own

with no extended family to help take the burden off of me 

this leads me to  finally forgiving myself for feeling inadequate

the way our world exists today is completely unnatural 

it takes a village to raise a family and just because i have a street called Coast Village Road

in my tiny town of 10 thousand people, doesn't mean that i really have a village to help me 

i find that although people say they can help you if you need, they too are so busy with their lives

and over scheduled families that they are incapable of coming to my last minute needs                     however sincere their offers were

instead of watching all the power moms who joined the PTA and make it to all the fundraisers in town

and feeling like the slacker mom who has something wrong with her because i can't "do it all"

i now realize that that is not natural and is unhealthy for myself and my family

we need to slow down and talk around our dinner table while eating a home cooked meal

this might sound old fashioned but i am coming full circle to the fact that someone has 

to ground us and slow us down to stop and smell the roses

be bored, so bored that you create something magical

maybe learn how to cook a dinner with your mom

set the table 

clean out your closets

shine your shoes

fix your broken things

snuggle with your dog

read a book

take a nap without feeling like there is something wrong with you

or just stare into space 

turn the radio on and just sing and dance

look like an absolute freak and be silly in front of your kids

they will laugh and love it!

thanks for reading

Peace and if you need anything, like a home cooked meal

or a hug

or a child to be cared for while you take a nap

i'm here

Perfection Rejection

i'm feeling like a spectator

watching my life on a movie screen

wishing that the main character

would finally open up 

and make a difference

reach out and say i love you

open up the wounds

and show her flaws

 finally revealing the authentic

beauty that resides within

hiding for fear of criticism 

or even worse, failure

why do i feel like i can't make a mistake?

where did this feeling of perfection come from?

who expected this from me that created this paralyzing judgement?

when did it start? how did i learn this?

was i born with this affliction?

today i vow to be honest

take a risk and open up myself

to the world hoping that by sharing 

my fears and worries

that i might touch someone else's 

heart and soul 

encouraging them to try,

dream, love, hope, heal

i end the legacy of pain and suffering in solitude

i'm far from perfection

every day i fail at something 

but the world doesn't stop 

i'm still breathing 

with the opportunity 

to try again and hopefully get to where i need to go

and along the way i will have helped a few others 

to be true to themselves and encourage them 

to find the beauty and uniqueness

that makes them shine