today although it's beautiful and sunny 

i feel wrestless

emotional

dark

sad

guilty for feeling this way

i have no reason to be low

but there is a nagging pull 

i can barely sit here and get this off my head

and on to paper

where does this urge for more come from

i never seem to be satiated 

my appetite is gargantuan

i don't like to visit my shadow side

i fear there will be no return

the spoiled brat child

is my most embarrassing facet

ashamed to be her

or even entertain the thought of her

makes me uncomfortable in my skin

but she is a part of me

i cannot deny the scared little girl

who doesn't want to be alone

needs attention and love

is she so awful to spend some time with?

maybe if i do she will leave me alone again for a while

its seems that when i run away from my lonely girl

and ignore her she only gets more in my head 

and visits me in my dreams

i can't escape her demands

until i am able to accept my vulnerable parts

and allow these feelings to flow

i will continually be haunted by them

perfection is my affliction

and my addiction

participation 100 % in life

leaves no room for being perfect

it's messy, ugly, and sometimes humiliating

we get sick, make mistakes, start fights

get wrinkles, lose our hair

gain weight, get stretchmarks

i am trying to move from perfection to acceptance

not an easy task but the way of life is simpler and easier

it helps me to see the truth and be the truth 

some days are brighter than others

and the answers all seem to magically appear

but more often than not it is a daily struggle and choice

to let go of my need to know the answers

and trust that the universe has a plan

and that i am  a vessel with a gift

that is here to share it