anger leads to forgiveness

you stung me like a hornet

out of the blue

not warning

it paralyzed me

but quickly the venom spread 

to my heart

triggering my voice to rage

i became a wild animal

in fight or flight 

simultaneously choosing both

losing my grace

lowering myself to your level

filling my soul with regret

replaying the whole ugly episode

over and over again 

until i wanted to vomit

the dark knight of rage 

kidnapped me 

running so far away 

from my beautiful life

all i could see was your face

and how much i hurt

time passed 

and i kept running into you

unable to erase the past

impossible to move forward 

needing to find my way to forgiveness

god gave me many opportunities 

but i couldn't do it

until one day enough 

time had passed and my heart softened

your sting was a distant memory

and my soul needed to release your grief

i had to let you go 

get off of my pedestal and forgive

not that your actions were right

but it was time to move forward

and start anew

knowing our limits

respecting the boundaries 

i saw you walking towards me

in the blazing sunshine 

coming around the street corner

nothing to shield me

nowhere to hide

just me and you

face to face

two little girls

vulnerable

loving

and  

sorry

Full Circle from super Woman to slacker Mom and I like it that way

the floodgates are open

no stopping the waters now

can't shut the door 

the light is blindingly bright

and the path is in front of me calling my name

who am i going to find along the way?

who will disappear?

will i lose the ones i used to hold so dear?

my friends are changing

i no longer need the group insurance

i am a free spirit that craves learning

and new discoveries

i feel like i know a secret 

and want to share it with everyone

i'm an open book

nothing to hide from

no shame or regrets

i've forgiven myself for any past embarrassments

loving myself through the pain

because all of the stories of my past 

are just that

they've carved me into a beautiful sculpture

full of wisdom, craving to share 

needing to help and inspire

there is a method to the madness

the pain and struggles we endure

are what make us the warriors that we need to be

this world is spinning faster and faster

the "advancements" we have made

have robbed our human souls of the nurturing that 

we require to be healthy functioning people

it's too easy to get caught up in the performances

and lose the practice

order the food instead of growing it

pay for the nannies to raise your children

instead of parenting

i am guilty of that 

i made these choices

i was scared to be their sole caretaker

what if i did it all wrong?

my husband travelled all the time

it was so lonely and daunting to raise 

three little ones on my own

with no extended family to help take the burden off of me 

this leads me to  finally forgiving myself for feeling inadequate

the way our world exists today is completely unnatural 

it takes a village to raise a family and just because i have a street called Coast Village Road

in my tiny town of 10 thousand people, doesn't mean that i really have a village to help me 

i find that although people say they can help you if you need, they too are so busy with their lives

and over scheduled families that they are incapable of coming to my last minute needs                     however sincere their offers were

instead of watching all the power moms who joined the PTA and make it to all the fundraisers in town

and feeling like the slacker mom who has something wrong with her because i can't "do it all"

i now realize that that is not natural and is unhealthy for myself and my family

we need to slow down and talk around our dinner table while eating a home cooked meal

this might sound old fashioned but i am coming full circle to the fact that someone has 

to ground us and slow us down to stop and smell the roses

be bored, so bored that you create something magical

maybe learn how to cook a dinner with your mom

set the table 

clean out your closets

shine your shoes

fix your broken things

snuggle with your dog

read a book

take a nap without feeling like there is something wrong with you

or just stare into space 

turn the radio on and just sing and dance

look like an absolute freak and be silly in front of your kids

they will laugh and love it!

thanks for reading

Peace and if you need anything, like a home cooked meal

or a hug

or a child to be cared for while you take a nap

i'm here

Perfection Rejection

i'm feeling like a spectator

watching my life on a movie screen

wishing that the main character

would finally open up 

and make a difference

reach out and say i love you

open up the wounds

and show her flaws

 finally revealing the authentic

beauty that resides within

hiding for fear of criticism 

or even worse, failure

why do i feel like i can't make a mistake?

where did this feeling of perfection come from?

who expected this from me that created this paralyzing judgement?

when did it start? how did i learn this?

was i born with this affliction?

today i vow to be honest

take a risk and open up myself

to the world hoping that by sharing 

my fears and worries

that i might touch someone else's 

heart and soul 

encouraging them to try,

dream, love, hope, heal

i end the legacy of pain and suffering in solitude

i'm far from perfection

every day i fail at something 

but the world doesn't stop 

i'm still breathing 

with the opportunity 

to try again and hopefully get to where i need to go

and along the way i will have helped a few others 

to be true to themselves and encourage them 

to find the beauty and uniqueness

that makes them shine

the dance between darkness and light

getting clearer

ready to stop numbing

my heart is pumping 

in sync with the music

that is flowing 

my life is so busy 

too many choices and distractions

pulling at my heart strings

making my brain feel heavy

nervous to make a wrong move

what if i fuck it all up

what if my kids are getting screwed up

am i too selfish to want my own space

why do i just want to pull the covers over my head

and hide?

just breathe in through my mouth

and exhale out the worry

sometimes i wish i was a kid again

no real concrete choices yet

that lock you into a smaller box

only dreams of what might be

free to travel the world

no commitments 

no demands on my time

no need for rose colored glasses

it feels like those days are coming to an end

so many responsibilities 

financial strains and restrictions

snuff out my fire

withholding me from exploring my passions

am i normal to feel this way?

depression follows me like a black shadow

why?

I have so much to be grateful for 

the guilt that i feel right now for even thinking 

these thoughts of lack just make me feel lonelier

marriage is a struggle

as comforting as it can be to have a partner

it's also a challenge to keep it fresh

we've been through so much together

shared tears of joy, raging fights, laughs so hard we've cried

i guess this is just the ebb and flow of life

when one door closes another one opens

i've experienced this many times

as horrible as i can feel one day,

the next day i want to bottle my elation 

to remember to hold on tightly 

when i feel as i do today

alone and lost

a resolution

i get it

just let it 

flow

you can say no

if you dont like

the way something makes you feel

there is a way to stay real

you may be scared 

to be alone

but its better

to feel proud 

of who you are

than to fill your time with annoying chatter

Gossip is poison

giving those who spread it 

a distraction from their own inadequacies

it's like a drug that they have to keep taking

for fear of facing themselves

to realize, like their victim

they too are sinners

nobody is perfect

we all falter

from time to time

but to admit it and stand in it

you will learn and grow

which is the reason we are all here

on this planet 

to work through our weaknesses

and break the patterns

that have been woven by our ancestors

through the centuries prior

so let this new year teach you 

slow down and look inside

what are you trying to hide?

you are not alone

we are all one people 

facing our fears 

everyday 

so find your sunshine in your soul 

and radiate your warmth 

to a stranger 

you are a gift that god created

and you must share your love

to all

surrender

racing to create

impatient can't wait

don't want to lose a minute

trying hard to not sweat it

but the clock is ticking

and nothing is sticking

what is it all about?

want to scream and shout

feeling kind of scared

all the things we've shared

looking for the meaning

and all the love comes streaming

my heart is open

willing to go deeper than i've ever been

feeling kind of nauseous

afraid of the raucous

that is stirring within

burning to begin

a new path

without the wrath

full of spiritual fulfillment

love , peace and enjoyment

phoenix

one hundred years of history

melted one night

leaving a shell of memories

i saw her one rainy day

at her ugliest

an open wound

rotting calling my name

save me from decay

resurrect me from the fray

a romantic at heart

willing to make a fresh start

i fell under her spell

a restoration

is an understatement

advised to bulldoze

i couldn't do it

who was i to destroy

the history

so i took the long road

loved her so

saving every possible inch

fighting for her glory

loving every minute of it

even when we were off budget

now she is shining

on top of the riviera

overlooking the sea

smiling and dancing

waiting for new adventures

family tears and laughter

a new century

but still the same

heart beating

a phoenix has occurred

and i was a part of it

for that i am proud