Waking up

sitting on a bench overlooking the sea

wondering where I am going

there is a wrestlessness 

inside of me that keeps pulling at me 

to make something happen

Where I am right now in my life

couldn't be all that it's about

there must be a higher purpose

with a deeper meaning 

i find it increasingly difficult

to continue the almost robotic existence

of the day to day rituals

some days i wake up and the littlest things inspire me

from driving down a country road 

witnessing the sea of wildflowers

to the mystery of a boulder plunked down 

perfectly in the center of an old stone entry gate

music uplifts me and takes me away to a higher plane

seeming to erase any worries or anxiety i may be experiencing

noticing the beauty in nature calms my soul

allowing me to let go of the worries of lack

or what my purpose is

am i doing enough?

am i qualified enough?

am i worth it?

who am i?

why am i here?

what's all of this stuff about anyway?

the more i meditate on it 

i realize it's really all just and illusion

this game of judgements of right and wrong

there is no perfect answer

it's all about choices

and the outcome is out of our control

detatch from our attachments to things,

people, friends, children, husbands, wives, family

and allow them all to be

without judgement

and by letting go 

we can experience

great joy and relief

that it isn't our job 

to make it all perfect

as we wish it to be

Motherhood

Being your guide 

has been an honor

and a challenge

from the moment you came from me

there was a story

not mine

but yours

this is the sobering realization of mothering

it's not about me and my projections

of how I see it all unfolding

I am only a conduit

which brought you 

to human form

yes we look alike

dna has a certain inevitable role to play

and yes I identify with your soul

and your struggles

sensitivity is on the highest decibel

in our wiring

we feel the energy

around us like sponges in an ocean

or moths to a flame

but this is where 

our similarities end 

where I am me

and you are 

uniquely you

this realization of separatness 

is an awesome opportunity 

for growth

to bring me closer to my soul's truth 

and you to yours

we teach one another

through our experiences

when I let go and allow

your truth to unfold

releasing my attachments 

to the outcome

there remains a space

for freedom

sometimes you will take 

the path that seems 

illogical to me

I project my own fears 

onto you and your outcome

my ego takes over and 

tries to convince you 

to take the clearer path

the one with the cozy bed

for you to rest your body on

and the comfortable journey

without the heartache

and the lonely nights

but when I revisit my own choices 

and the many bumpy roads that 

I chose to take

I realize that the lonely times

and awkward moments, 

broken dreams and heartaches

were exactly perfect 

for my illumination

I was the only designer of my life 

that could make the choices to become the 

highest self I could be

with this awareness of my own journey

I am able to find it in my 

heart and soul

to trust

and let go of the reigns of your life

enabling you to

blaze the trails

home

to your beautiful

soul

Full Circle from super Woman to slacker Mom and I like it that way

the floodgates are open

no stopping the waters now

can't shut the door 

the light is blindingly bright

and the path is in front of me calling my name

who am i going to find along the way?

who will disappear?

will i lose the ones i used to hold so dear?

my friends are changing

i no longer need the group insurance

i am a free spirit that craves learning

and new discoveries

i feel like i know a secret 

and want to share it with everyone

i'm an open book

nothing to hide from

no shame or regrets

i've forgiven myself for any past embarrassments

loving myself through the pain

because all of the stories of my past 

are just that

they've carved me into a beautiful sculpture

full of wisdom, craving to share 

needing to help and inspire

there is a method to the madness

the pain and struggles we endure

are what make us the warriors that we need to be

this world is spinning faster and faster

the "advancements" we have made

have robbed our human souls of the nurturing that 

we require to be healthy functioning people

it's too easy to get caught up in the performances

and lose the practice

order the food instead of growing it

pay for the nannies to raise your children

instead of parenting

i am guilty of that 

i made these choices

i was scared to be their sole caretaker

what if i did it all wrong?

my husband travelled all the time

it was so lonely and daunting to raise 

three little ones on my own

with no extended family to help take the burden off of me 

this leads me to  finally forgiving myself for feeling inadequate

the way our world exists today is completely unnatural 

it takes a village to raise a family and just because i have a street called Coast Village Road

in my tiny town of 10 thousand people, doesn't mean that i really have a village to help me 

i find that although people say they can help you if you need, they too are so busy with their lives

and over scheduled families that they are incapable of coming to my last minute needs                     however sincere their offers were

instead of watching all the power moms who joined the PTA and make it to all the fundraisers in town

and feeling like the slacker mom who has something wrong with her because i can't "do it all"

i now realize that that is not natural and is unhealthy for myself and my family

we need to slow down and talk around our dinner table while eating a home cooked meal

this might sound old fashioned but i am coming full circle to the fact that someone has 

to ground us and slow us down to stop and smell the roses

be bored, so bored that you create something magical

maybe learn how to cook a dinner with your mom

set the table 

clean out your closets

shine your shoes

fix your broken things

snuggle with your dog

read a book

take a nap without feeling like there is something wrong with you

or just stare into space 

turn the radio on and just sing and dance

look like an absolute freak and be silly in front of your kids

they will laugh and love it!

thanks for reading

Peace and if you need anything, like a home cooked meal

or a hug

or a child to be cared for while you take a nap

i'm here

the dance between darkness and light

getting clearer

ready to stop numbing

my heart is pumping 

in sync with the music

that is flowing 

my life is so busy 

too many choices and distractions

pulling at my heart strings

making my brain feel heavy

nervous to make a wrong move

what if i fuck it all up

what if my kids are getting screwed up

am i too selfish to want my own space

why do i just want to pull the covers over my head

and hide?

just breathe in through my mouth

and exhale out the worry

sometimes i wish i was a kid again

no real concrete choices yet

that lock you into a smaller box

only dreams of what might be

free to travel the world

no commitments 

no demands on my time

no need for rose colored glasses

it feels like those days are coming to an end

so many responsibilities 

financial strains and restrictions

snuff out my fire

withholding me from exploring my passions

am i normal to feel this way?

depression follows me like a black shadow

why?

I have so much to be grateful for 

the guilt that i feel right now for even thinking 

these thoughts of lack just make me feel lonelier

marriage is a struggle

as comforting as it can be to have a partner

it's also a challenge to keep it fresh

we've been through so much together

shared tears of joy, raging fights, laughs so hard we've cried

i guess this is just the ebb and flow of life

when one door closes another one opens

i've experienced this many times

as horrible as i can feel one day,

the next day i want to bottle my elation 

to remember to hold on tightly 

when i feel as i do today

alone and lost