surrendering

accepting that she had no control was not defeat

in fact it was freeing

for so long she tried to make it all look 

presentable and perfect

there was always a laundry list of things that needed 

to be attended to

and if she could cross them all off by the weeks end

she would feel accomplished

but after a while  

she stopped feeling fulfilled

it never felt like she could attain the hapiness 

eventually the work became greater and more arduous 

the stakes became higher and higher

until one day she just snapped

she couldn't keep the plates spinning anymore

the contorting herself inside and out could no longer

support the cause

so she finally let go

of the insane dance 

and stopped fighting against the flow

she ceased trying to control the outcome

little by little she cleared her plate

of the things in her life that were superfluous 

she let go of the vampires who were sucking her energy

she started to breathe again 

which fueled her inner pilot light

she asked herself 

what makes my heart sing?

where is my passion?

through this life audit she was able to 

uncover her truth 

and discover where she had lost her way

a phoenix occured 

forcing everything to die 

in order for the new to grow

by evaluating  her life she was able 

to plant new seeds of intention

to more closely align with her life's purpose

today although it's beautiful and sunny 

i feel wrestless

emotional

dark

sad

guilty for feeling this way

i have no reason to be low

but there is a nagging pull 

i can barely sit here and get this off my head

and on to paper

where does this urge for more come from

i never seem to be satiated 

my appetite is gargantuan

i don't like to visit my shadow side

i fear there will be no return

the spoiled brat child

is my most embarrassing facet

ashamed to be her

or even entertain the thought of her

makes me uncomfortable in my skin

but she is a part of me

i cannot deny the scared little girl

who doesn't want to be alone

needs attention and love

is she so awful to spend some time with?

maybe if i do she will leave me alone again for a while

its seems that when i run away from my lonely girl

and ignore her she only gets more in my head 

and visits me in my dreams

i can't escape her demands

until i am able to accept my vulnerable parts

and allow these feelings to flow

i will continually be haunted by them

perfection is my affliction

and my addiction

participation 100 % in life

leaves no room for being perfect

it's messy, ugly, and sometimes humiliating

we get sick, make mistakes, start fights

get wrinkles, lose our hair

gain weight, get stretchmarks

i am trying to move from perfection to acceptance

not an easy task but the way of life is simpler and easier

it helps me to see the truth and be the truth 

some days are brighter than others

and the answers all seem to magically appear

but more often than not it is a daily struggle and choice

to let go of my need to know the answers

and trust that the universe has a plan

and that i am  a vessel with a gift

that is here to share it

open secret

working through my barriers

feeling the pain that tries to hold me down

accepting the discomfort

trusting the impermanence

knowing there are frontiers that i haven't yet seen

wondering where they will take me

visualizing love and ease

laughter and tears

my heart expands to encompass my enemies

we are all one

holding an open secret of inadequacies

trying to protect our egos from being busted

risking the truth 

exposing my belly

to the world of judgement 

letting go of the fear 

releasing the need to protect

accepting the awkwardness

changing and metamorphosing 

into a free soul

ready to explore 

the unknown territory 

which lies ahead

peace is possible

floating along

a lone leaf

twirling in slow motion

shimmering in the sunlight

free

to travel to faraway lands

limitless

unbound by time

religion

law

cultures

a voyeur

drifting

landing for a short time

until it is lifted and carried away

to another destination

keeping with it

a story to tell

a secret to share

a message of peace

that is possible

if we could be flexible

and detached from the outcome

trusting in the universal message 

that we are all one

our differences are planned

imperative

necessary

an integral part of the plan

of undefinable beauty

endless species 

no two are alike

that is the magic

and the key 

to understanding 

gods message

of acceptance

and love

even through pain

anger and defeat

we have a choice

to learn the lesson

and see our journey

forgiving ourselves

and others

knowing that the human

experience is an exercise

of patience, forgiveness, love

humility, compassion, acceptance

if we could all lose the ego

peace will prevail

Full Circle from super Woman to slacker Mom and I like it that way

the floodgates are open

no stopping the waters now

can't shut the door 

the light is blindingly bright

and the path is in front of me calling my name

who am i going to find along the way?

who will disappear?

will i lose the ones i used to hold so dear?

my friends are changing

i no longer need the group insurance

i am a free spirit that craves learning

and new discoveries

i feel like i know a secret 

and want to share it with everyone

i'm an open book

nothing to hide from

no shame or regrets

i've forgiven myself for any past embarrassments

loving myself through the pain

because all of the stories of my past 

are just that

they've carved me into a beautiful sculpture

full of wisdom, craving to share 

needing to help and inspire

there is a method to the madness

the pain and struggles we endure

are what make us the warriors that we need to be

this world is spinning faster and faster

the "advancements" we have made

have robbed our human souls of the nurturing that 

we require to be healthy functioning people

it's too easy to get caught up in the performances

and lose the practice

order the food instead of growing it

pay for the nannies to raise your children

instead of parenting

i am guilty of that 

i made these choices

i was scared to be their sole caretaker

what if i did it all wrong?

my husband travelled all the time

it was so lonely and daunting to raise 

three little ones on my own

with no extended family to help take the burden off of me 

this leads me to  finally forgiving myself for feeling inadequate

the way our world exists today is completely unnatural 

it takes a village to raise a family and just because i have a street called Coast Village Road

in my tiny town of 10 thousand people, doesn't mean that i really have a village to help me 

i find that although people say they can help you if you need, they too are so busy with their lives

and over scheduled families that they are incapable of coming to my last minute needs                     however sincere their offers were

instead of watching all the power moms who joined the PTA and make it to all the fundraisers in town

and feeling like the slacker mom who has something wrong with her because i can't "do it all"

i now realize that that is not natural and is unhealthy for myself and my family

we need to slow down and talk around our dinner table while eating a home cooked meal

this might sound old fashioned but i am coming full circle to the fact that someone has 

to ground us and slow us down to stop and smell the roses

be bored, so bored that you create something magical

maybe learn how to cook a dinner with your mom

set the table 

clean out your closets

shine your shoes

fix your broken things

snuggle with your dog

read a book

take a nap without feeling like there is something wrong with you

or just stare into space 

turn the radio on and just sing and dance

look like an absolute freak and be silly in front of your kids

they will laugh and love it!

thanks for reading

Peace and if you need anything, like a home cooked meal

or a hug

or a child to be cared for while you take a nap

i'm here