today although it's beautiful and sunny 

i feel wrestless

emotional

dark

sad

guilty for feeling this way

i have no reason to be low

but there is a nagging pull 

i can barely sit here and get this off my head

and on to paper

where does this urge for more come from

i never seem to be satiated 

my appetite is gargantuan

i don't like to visit my shadow side

i fear there will be no return

the spoiled brat child

is my most embarrassing facet

ashamed to be her

or even entertain the thought of her

makes me uncomfortable in my skin

but she is a part of me

i cannot deny the scared little girl

who doesn't want to be alone

needs attention and love

is she so awful to spend some time with?

maybe if i do she will leave me alone again for a while

its seems that when i run away from my lonely girl

and ignore her she only gets more in my head 

and visits me in my dreams

i can't escape her demands

until i am able to accept my vulnerable parts

and allow these feelings to flow

i will continually be haunted by them

perfection is my affliction

and my addiction

participation 100 % in life

leaves no room for being perfect

it's messy, ugly, and sometimes humiliating

we get sick, make mistakes, start fights

get wrinkles, lose our hair

gain weight, get stretchmarks

i am trying to move from perfection to acceptance

not an easy task but the way of life is simpler and easier

it helps me to see the truth and be the truth 

some days are brighter than others

and the answers all seem to magically appear

but more often than not it is a daily struggle and choice

to let go of my need to know the answers

and trust that the universe has a plan

and that i am  a vessel with a gift

that is here to share it

the bag is empty

i've thrown my rocks out 

emptying my bag

although i thought that what i was carrying was needed

and precious

i realized once i started to eliminate each one

that little by little it all needed to go

i appreciate the time that i had alone 

to audit all of my "supportive" rocks

there are no regrets 

that i carried them for so long

the weight of them 

helped me to grow 

and learn the painful lessons

mandatory when growing up

breaking my addiction

breaking my addiction to caretaking and fixing

no more playing God

holding space for people to feel their feelings

no need to change them

developing a new me

recovering new pathways from my head to my heart

no longer willing to play the victim

awakening to consciousness

moving from blame to gratitude

finding my highest vibration

stemming from love

loving and accepting myself

nurturing me

shedding the anger and frustration

allowing forgiveness 

to illuminate the shadows 

of judgement and doubt

from child to woman

a healing has occurred

i am finally  in my body

no longer afraid to stand tall

or wanting to fade into the woodwork

i was over sheltered and practically disabled 

as a child by my mother and grandmother 

growing up in a bubble not believing that 

i was capable of surviving on my own

the shock of jumping into the disfunctional

dangerous world of modeling at the ripe old age of 16                                                                                                  was like throwing an ice cube in boiling water

unable to cope with the armour needed to protect

myself from the unloving environment in which I was exposed to 

the rejection that i endured through my career

left wounds that scarred me 

my inner child never had a chance

to grow up

on the inside, the little girl was lost

and the grown up woman

that i became

didn't know how to be

there was a disconnect

my heart wanted  desperately

to remain sheltered

not fully ready to be an adult

i didn't believe that i could 

do all that i desired

now nearly 3 times the age of 16

i am finally growing up 

ready to be the woman that i am supposed to be

i am taking ownership of my life

empowering myself 

loving myself 

forgiving my past 

learning that all of the pain 

was a part of my process

to connect to my divine purpose

all of my seeming failures

are what make me unique

there is only one of me and it is essential

to learn from my past and to share 

with the world 

my wisdom

the beginning

I am in the first trimester of my own birth.

A rebirth of my soul

feeling mix of elation and nausea

fear visits me at night when the darkness creeps in 

and I am alone

The doubts and judgements arise

Why am i doing this?

Why wasn't my old life enough?

I seemed to have it all

the family, security, beautiful house

blossoming career, a man that loves me

But still I felt there was a missing link

I was drowning in my life

my boundaries were indiscernible

my heart was being crushed by the weight of the world

something was calling me to wake up.......

I needed to go away and separate from the old life

strip away the layers and be vulnerable

Somewhere along the way I lost myself

I gave away my power and forgot my core essence

I was so busy caretaking and tending to everyone else's needs

that I allowed my own needs to be ignored

This opportunity for rebirth is awakening my truth

I ask myself who am I?

Where do I want to go?  

What gifts do I possess that I need to share with others?

I am finally allowing myself to be the dreamer of my dreams

We all deserve this opportunity

It is essential for every human in order to attain 

self fulfillment and connection with their highest self

Stop the merry go round of guilt and shoulds

and begin the journey back to the divine 

where love is the only thing that matters

Love is the driving force that will heal all wounds

Bringing peace which begins within each and every one 

and through attaining self joy 

we will radiate outwards and share our unique gifts 

inevitably changing the world for the better

Marty

21 years ago

i met you
our conversation about you almost losing your 

your dad to a heart attack 
 was the catalyst for our hand holding

turning that corner in pasadena on our way to the movie

that would change our lives forever

the deep connection we shared about our deepest loves

your father ........my grandmother

i lost my grandmother on our wedding day

the beginning of our journey together

she reminded you of the unimportance of perfection

our wedding was in january at the train station 

freezing we had to bring all the comforts in 

you were obsessesed with making it all just so

realizing you had to finally let it go

the details didn't matter

what was important shifted

the iron curtain lifted

we were free to be

and celebrate the fragility of life

one great life exiting 

while two new beautiful lives were merging

the ultimate lesson in letting go

21 years later finally saying goodbye

to your father
with family and friends

my memories of Marty

are all good

he was fair 

loving 

unconditional

accepting

respectful

appreciative

noble

a true gentleman

to the end

i feel honored to have been able

to call him grandpa
silver eagle

the omelette maker

cookie monster

lovable man who always accepted me

and made me feel like i was special

through thick and thin

you

you are the flame that burns at my edge of infinity

you are the silence that surrounds my mindless chatter

you are the laughter in the midst of my sadness

you are the power that generates through my weakness

you are the food that satiates my hunger

you are the beauty that emerges from my ugliness

you are the hope that burns through my doubts

you are the dream that snuffs out my nightmare

you are the heat that melts my frozen existence

you are the courage that propels me beyond my wildest dreams

you are the truth that keeps me honest in my heart

you are the inspiration that drives me to create

you are the forgiveness that accepts me when I'm wrong

you are the means to my end