moon dance

my moods shift with the everchanging phases of the moon

like a mirror that reflects my inner feelings revealingmy true self

like a puppeteer pulling strings of my emotions

waxing and waning with the ocean's tides

i feel captive to the higher power of mother nature

surrendering to la luna, the grande dame of this dance

i am able to flow more easily 

with less friction and disappointment

allowing and accepting that this is our universal clock

which when in alignment with her waxing and waning,

i am able to manifest to my truest potential

being more compassionate 

letting myself be guided to flow with the continuous rhythm

which beats like a drum

sometimes it's so soft I cannot hear anything

then it sounds like a whisper

which becomes a strong voice 

that develops into a loud song

which cannont be ignored

Here lies within the sacred gifts of the constant

changing phases of the moon

like clockwork

from the early phases of the new moon 

designs emerge

ideas are uncovered

seeds of intention are planted

then we nurture these ideas and dreams

as the moon grows larger, 

shining more brightly on our ideas

allowing them to come to the full

moon potential of manifestation

and so this is the beautiful dance of the moon 

which is constantly inviting us 

to syncronize with her rhythm

aligning ourselves with the divine goddess

the fog lay there like a blanket of despair

which end is up?

I can't see through the layers of confusion

what does my heart desire?

Im scared

I am at a crossroads

where does my heart want to lead me ?

One road is the logical choice, 

the way to supporting my family

paying the bills; the conventional, traditional way

A part of me feels like it dies when I go forward on that path

it doesn't feel like my soul's purpose

there isn't as much time anymore to waste

I am being pulled to a higher calling 

which is risky and unplotted

seemingly foolish to the outside world

am I a dreamer? or am I finally being true to my self

and honoring my truth?

selfish I may seem, a fool to others 

but to take the safe road is too confined

I feel stuck and rigid

my breath leaves me and fear sets in

the seemingly safer choice 

becomes a form of death sentence

leaving the less known risky road 

                                                                                                                                    the path to freedom and enlightenment        

Motherhood

Being your guide 

has been an honor

and a challenge

from the moment you came from me

there was a story

not mine

but yours

this is the sobering realization of mothering

it's not about me and my projections

of how I see it all unfolding

I am only a conduit

which brought you 

to human form

yes we look alike

dna has a certain inevitable role to play

and yes I identify with your soul

and your struggles

sensitivity is on the highest decibel

in our wiring

we feel the energy

around us like sponges in an ocean

or moths to a flame

but this is where 

our similarities end 

where I am me

and you are 

uniquely you

this realization of separatness 

is an awesome opportunity 

for growth

to bring me closer to my soul's truth 

and you to yours

we teach one another

through our experiences

when I let go and allow

your truth to unfold

releasing my attachments 

to the outcome

there remains a space

for freedom

sometimes you will take 

the path that seems 

illogical to me

I project my own fears 

onto you and your outcome

my ego takes over and 

tries to convince you 

to take the clearer path

the one with the cozy bed

for you to rest your body on

and the comfortable journey

without the heartache

and the lonely nights

but when I revisit my own choices 

and the many bumpy roads that 

I chose to take

I realize that the lonely times

and awkward moments, 

broken dreams and heartaches

were exactly perfect 

for my illumination

I was the only designer of my life 

that could make the choices to become the 

highest self I could be

with this awareness of my own journey

I am able to find it in my 

heart and soul

to trust

and let go of the reigns of your life

enabling you to

blaze the trails

home

to your beautiful

soul

Remaining Open

Even in the darkness of fear

remain open

trust that the light of day will 

once again shine on your soul

when someone offends you 

try not to close yourself off

from the lesson

don't let your ego 

convince you that 

its better to be in isolation

stay soft, vulnerable 

allow the pain to hurt 

face your fears 

and when you do 

they will pass 

and the warmth of your open heart

will melt away the pain

snowbirds

you came to escape the brutal winter

and the warm sun wrapped her loving arms around you

doing crosswords, puzzles, reading kindles

cocktails at 5 

dinner at 6

i will miss you and these days of connection

the rain has come after what seems an eternity of drought

it's time for you to leave and go back to the thaw of winter

i feel your sadness and pain

i wish i could let you stay and live out your days in peace

with the promise of sunny days and the beauty of our garden

it saddens me to know that you are frightened of your future

you have made choices that i cannot change 

there are unanswered questions that i have 

but am too afraid to ask

for fear of making you uncomfortable

not wanting to stress you

but wishing i could bring closure 

to the pain

sometimes it isn't the right time

and it's easier to let things go

forgive the past and never look back

today although it's beautiful and sunny 

i feel wrestless

emotional

dark

sad

guilty for feeling this way

i have no reason to be low

but there is a nagging pull 

i can barely sit here and get this off my head

and on to paper

where does this urge for more come from

i never seem to be satiated 

my appetite is gargantuan

i don't like to visit my shadow side

i fear there will be no return

the spoiled brat child

is my most embarrassing facet

ashamed to be her

or even entertain the thought of her

makes me uncomfortable in my skin

but she is a part of me

i cannot deny the scared little girl

who doesn't want to be alone

needs attention and love

is she so awful to spend some time with?

maybe if i do she will leave me alone again for a while

its seems that when i run away from my lonely girl

and ignore her she only gets more in my head 

and visits me in my dreams

i can't escape her demands

until i am able to accept my vulnerable parts

and allow these feelings to flow

i will continually be haunted by them

perfection is my affliction

and my addiction

participation 100 % in life

leaves no room for being perfect

it's messy, ugly, and sometimes humiliating

we get sick, make mistakes, start fights

get wrinkles, lose our hair

gain weight, get stretchmarks

i am trying to move from perfection to acceptance

not an easy task but the way of life is simpler and easier

it helps me to see the truth and be the truth 

some days are brighter than others

and the answers all seem to magically appear

but more often than not it is a daily struggle and choice

to let go of my need to know the answers

and trust that the universe has a plan

and that i am  a vessel with a gift

that is here to share it

the bag is empty

i've thrown my rocks out 

emptying my bag

although i thought that what i was carrying was needed

and precious

i realized once i started to eliminate each one

that little by little it all needed to go

i appreciate the time that i had alone 

to audit all of my "supportive" rocks

there are no regrets 

that i carried them for so long

the weight of them 

helped me to grow 

and learn the painful lessons

mandatory when growing up