seeds of change

i'm holding the tiniest seeds in my hand

visualizing growth and beauty

trusting that the soil is rich enough

trying to plant them far enough apart 

not too deep but protected 

patience is paramount

there is no guarantee of fulfillment

just the day to day devotion

nurturing with water and sunshine

dutifully attentive

a day at a time

with the hopes of some day 

a harvest

transformation

my skin has shed

the shell is gone

nowhere to hide

raw

pores wide open

to feel

the beauty

the fear

the sadness

the loneliness

the inadequacies

the awkwardness

accepting who i am

nurturing my weaknesses

exposing myself to the unknown

hoping to cross the boundaries

from safety to ecstasy

trusting the plan

being the student

who in turn

will someday

teach

the glass is half empty

its a gray day
the sun is hidden
my head is splitting open
my heart is so lonely
the tears could flood the desert
where is my god
my lover's fear has bullied me
reminding me i am alone
trapped by others feelings
dependent upon their happiness
unable to connect to my own
the boundaries are indiscernible
who am i? 
what will make me satisfied?
they tell me nothing will bring me peace
i have to find it within
some days are easy
it all flows
my children win their battles
the sun shines
my lover laughs and holds me
i believe the world is my oyster
there are endless possibilities 
calling my name
inspiring me to pursue the 
seemingly impossible
i radiate love and compassion
not so for today
i feel defeated
weak
sad
lonely
out of control
hopeless
want to pull up the covers and hide
let someone else do it all
give up my worries 
be an innocent child again
with my blank palette
ready to paint my destiny
with rainbow light
deep blue oceans
shimmering stars 
jumping fish
swaying trees
overgrown gardens
warm breezes
visualizing peace
love
happiness 
fulfillment
when the glass is overflowing

alone but not lonely

here i sit on a saturday night

alone in my shell

my love is away

we've been through this so many times

it never gets easier

but i feel different than before

content to be alone

not needing to distract

wanting to be present

feeling my heart

it is so full

overflowing with a pull

i can't explain

there is some pain

but it is okay 

to let the tears flow

because i know 

i am loved

we've grown so much

i am full of gratitude 

thinking of all we have together

God is so good

we are living our dream

sometimes it's a nightmare

but we have the strength

to survive it all

together 

even when we are apart

good night my love

i miss you 

centering

finding the calm within the storm
going slowly into the deep
craving the quiet
yearning for cool darkness
facing my fears
embracing my weakness
loving my flaws
tuning out the noise
inhaling love
exhaling insecurity
choosing my peace
amidst the chaos
blurring my vision
out of focus
nothing makes sense
laughing so hard
i can't cry
smiling softens my heart
accepting age
surrendering myself
letting go of control
trusting God's plan
listening to my heart
flowing with the vibration
of the musical melodies
singing praises
thankful for the beauty
that surrounds me
loving mother nature
it is the only sure thing
that we know
the sun, moon, stars, ocean
birds, trees
awakening to the brightest light
warming my soul

friends

born into family

instant friends

you fight and disagree 

but they are always there

you can't run away 

or switch off the light

growing up moving away 

from our family

choosing friends as our family

feeling good and safe

supported by like minded souls

or so you thought

the boundaries are fuzzy

and the tools that you learned

as a child to resolve conflict

are not the same as theirs

friends grew up differently

with their own families ways

having children of our own 

stir up the old feelings and provide

a new way to communicate

the old blurried limits dissolve

strong, clear boundaries appear:

friends love

friends forgive

friends admit when they are wrong

friends apologize

friends have compassion

friends keep secrets

friends make you laugh

friends are humble

I am growing up and realizing 

who my real friends are

the ones that stick around

when your boat is sinking 

throw you and oar

and jump in to help you navigate

thank you to my friends

some of you are new 

and some of you i have known forever

but all of you are appreciated 

shaking it up

i've been turned upside down, shaken up and dropped

just before reaching the ground some angels swooped down and caught me

i feel like i died and have been through the worst

the other side is beautiful

the other side is clear and simple

i've been turned upside down, shaken up and dropped

just before crashing to my death i was saved

the angels reached out their arms and held me

the other side is beautiful

the other side is bright and full of hope

i've been turned upside down, shaken up and dropped

just before losing it all  my faith saved me

i trusted and believed in a better life

the other side is free

the other side is peaceful

thank you 

thank you 

thank you 

i am a new

i am a new

i am a new