randomness

i didn't know him

only heard about him through his father

the son of a rabbi

he was so proud of his twin sons

they both fought in the israeli military for three years

after high school, before going to college

they felt the need to fight for their beautiful land

for their people

together they escaped many near death experiences

bombs in buildings, cars, restaurants in which they were

about to enter

but by the grace of god they were unscathed

finally they finished their duties and were able to come

back home to the safety of their homeland

start up their new life to further their education

and on a normal day just walking across a street

one of them was hit by a car and instantly killed

explain to me how this happens

how can you be facing death on a daily basis

in a violent country and then suddenly

on a college campus at an ivy league school

crossing a street, you are killed?

this leaves me feeling dizzy and sick to my stomach

i didn't know him

but he could be my son

how could i go on after this?

how can you have the faith in god

and continue to believe in the goodness

in the world?

how could i ever trust to let my children out of my sight

my heart would be forever broken

no glue or surgery could ever fix it

there is nothing worse than to lose your children before you die

the more i live the more i see the fragility of life

no one is safe from tragedy

we will all experience some form of it

it scares me to think what awaits me

but the option is not to live

and that is a tragedy in itself

so we must forge ahead and continue

to seek the happiness and beauty in life

not to wait for the floor to fall out from underneath

but to push ourselves beyond our limits and fears

reach out and love one another

forgiving each other more than we do

not finding strength in other people's weaknesses

my daddy

my daddy

taught me about music

he always had it playing in our house

it was never quiet

sometimes it caused a riot

we were always loud

entertaining a crowd

he went to work in a suit

but came home and let loose

poured himself a drink

and in his chair he'd sink

pretending to direct

the most obedient musicians

he'd close his eyes and humm

to the strings the bass and drums

i'll never forget his passion

for tchaikovsky, beethoven and chopin

i would pretend i was a prima ballerina

and dance and prance to gain his attention

yearning for his affection

leaping in all directions

he gave me the strength to reach for the stars

even though some thought i was from mars

he believed in me

and so i was free

to travel far

lonely as a star

but always knowing

my home was warm and glowing

safe and secure for me to return

forever being adored

as his prima ballerina

i love my daddy

and even though he isn't perfect

i forgive his flaws

because in my heart i know

that he loves me so

and that is all that matters

in the end

he is my friend

opaque

i'm fuzzy today

not much to say

rain is pouring down

turning everything brown

feel like somethings missing

but i can't put my finger on it

just am having trouble motivating

you know the days when your jeans dont fit?

and you have difficulty focusing

i'm not in my skin

and i can't seem to win

want to crawl back into bed

and empty the thoughts from my head

start fresh tomorrow

and erase all the sorrow

no need to panic

things will get brighter

and then i will feel lighter

imbalanced

Guiltily sitting in comfort appreciating the beauty and bounty that surrounds me. Wondering how and why our world is so disproportionate. Food being wasted in every home and restaurant, while people are living on the streets of our own perfect little town, waiting in the soup kitchen line. Children in far away lands starving their way to death while my son reaches for another bag of chips. Women purposefully starving themselves to fit into the latest "skinny" jeans which cost their weeks paycheck. While another woman suffers silently at home binging in the middle of the night stuffing her fears down deeper into her gut not feeling that she deserves the love that she craves.

I look through the latest fashion magazines and see anorexic beauty mentoring my teenage daughter. Catching her studying her thighs fearing they are too "flabby". Who can actually afford the clothing , handbags, impossibly treacherous stilletos, and rare jewels that they advertise? Who are these people that can actually live that dream of perfection? The starving socialites who bought the dream, while their wealthy banker husbands have affairs with the voluptuous nannies that they hired? I know that was harsh and cliche but it isn't too far from the truth. In this disgracefully imbalanced world that separates the "haves" from the "have nots" there is an old myth of perfection which we keep perpetuating. The obsessive compulsive magazine editors and unrealistic designers and stylists who believed the Cinderella story. Most of them come from nothing and have managed to claw their way to the "top" of the fashion world to feel their power and dominate the weak. I know because I was a model during my youth and I so deeply remember the insecurity and loneliness and lack of love which I felt in that world of "beauty".

Somehow the business is still able to draw in the beautiful youth because they are naive and the shimmer on the surface blinds you from the actual cold decay which lies beneath. And when you finally see it for what it really is, you are not the "right" vision of beauty anymore. Athletic healthy tall girls aren't in anymore, now it's all about "heroin chic". "The Cars" are out and now "Nirvana" rules.

Tyra Banks, a former model is now the symbol to our young girls of what it "takes" to be a model. I can't tell you how disappointed and ashamed I am of her. She is perpetuating the madness and the hypocrisy of that world. She is laughing her way to the bank, at the cost of these girls lives. Then she has a talk show ala "Oprah" to deal with the "real" issues which she contributed to in the first place. I don't know how she sleeps at night!

I pray for healing, humility, love and acceptance of what is natural beauty.

Authenticity

A wish can change your life.....

dream, focus, meditate on what you want

who you want to be

how you want to feel

the difference you want to make

imprint your soul on the earth

find your perfume which is completely unique from any other being on earth

neroli, rose, jasmine, pine, eucalyptus, mandarin, patchouli, gardenia, amber, musk, ginger

burnt wood, vanilla........

commit to yourself and be authentic to your desires

don't doubt or fear anything

trust that you are where you are supposed to be

learning what you are meant to know

to enhance you on your journey to being what you envision

if it is a positive dream it will come true

because if you are fulfilled so shall the people that love you

It’s the end of another year

Looking back on it all I’m wondering what it means

The years pass faster and faster

People are entering the world and leaving like

The breath that moves in and out of my body

Some pass easily, quietly in their sleep

Transitioning from the soft sheets to the wings of their angels

Others are in so much pain they try anything to escape

Their sadness, planning their exit, leaving behind the people that Love them to hold their pain, forever with a dagger in their hearts

Some of us have time, a warning to prepare for our passing, although it is

An option full of fear and suffering through the medieval practices of modern

Medicine, however, we are at least able to prepare our loved ones and ourselves

For the end.

And then there is the horrific accident that takes us quickly but violently, shocking our loved ones who will forever replay the tapes over and over in

Their heads like a recurring nightmare.

So the flowers die………………..the sun sets…………….but the stars shine …………

And the moon is full of the promise of a new day that is rising on the other side of the world.

Somewhere in the darkness there is a mother pushing a new life out of her

To begin a new journey of hope, love and connection.

Forever imprinting their soul in our hearts.

forgiveness

it is so much easier to forgive
than to harbor ill feelings
we are not perfect
and we make unconcious choices
from time to time
if we didn't make mistakes
why are we here?
we are living this life
to grow and improve
become more and more conscious
and aware of our actions
using compassion and understanding
to forgive
you hurt my feelings so i pulled away
toughened up trying to heal myself
but somehow the hole was still there
I couldn't fix it
laughter, food ,alcohol, shopping couldn't make it go away
the old ways couldn't heal me
i am thankful that they don't
time to grow up and learn how to communicate
my feelings.......
risking abandonment , your hatred and anger
and resentment
that's a scary lonely place but it is my truth
and i have to honor it
so i prayed for God to take care
and help heal the wounds
help me to forgive
and you to forgive
miraculously what seemed to be the end of something
blossomed into the beginning of a new age
deeper connection , intimacy, saying what we each need
from one another, no more games, or isolation
pure love, trust and understanding that
you have to ride through the storm, sometimes hold
your breath, don't speak, but pray
then suddenly you're on top of the wave and the cool air
flows within and the sun is shining its warm loving arms around you
through the silence and pure intention of love
a new seed was planted and a renewed flame was ignited
we can move ahead now and forgive each other's imperfections
remembering why we are meant for one another